13 Days

Till I come home. All I ask from the Lord is let me keep my passion I have right now. Allow me to cherish the time at home with the ones I love. I can't ever allow complacency to creep into my life again.

A Letter To A Friend

Blaine I'm glad everything's going so well for you. This time away from home has been a dizzy whirlwind of an experience. My concept of God has grown so much and He's shown me how big he actually is. I've felt more growth in the last 4 months than I have in almost 2 years. This trip has left me with a thorough addiction to traveling I think. In the next month I'm vacationing for 4 days in Prague. I'm very excited to have real time alone to explore the city and reflect with God on this entire experience.

I've definitely fallen in love with the city of Amsterdam. Though it's a seemingly confusing city at first it's easy to get attached to the quaint beauty of the old architecture, hidden shops, and cafes. Fridays and Saturdays are always the busiest with tourists coming in from the UK and France mostly. Sundays are quiet and sleepy. Like my friend Matt Nanes said "Sunday feels like the whole city has a hangover." Which I think is a pretty accurate description.

The hostel in the summer time was filled with guests from all over the world ranging from Israel to the Congo. The hostel was always filled with the sounds of music from the number of talented guests that used our piano and guitar in the cafe (one night a concert level pianist from France played, it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard). The other sound that the hostel was filled with was drunken guests who came in at 4 or 5 in the morning. The Shelter City is chaotic and messy which is the reason why I made it very clear I wanted to work there instead of the more subdued Shelter Jordan to the west.

Besides all the joy that's found in the hostel there's also lots of frustration. With yourself and people around you. Too many times did I feel inadequate to help those with problems around me. I felt like someone who trained in a wading pool but discovered at the day of the race that you would be swimming the English Channel instead. One night that's forever burned into my memory is a woman and her child from Israel wanted a room for the night. Even without her speaking you could see from her eyes that the world had broken her down and made her bitter and angry. She explained how she had been staying at a man's house in the city but saw that he had womens clothing in plastic bags in his closet in all different sizes. This for very good reason scared her and made her decide to check in here. We could only give her a room for one night which infuriated her and she made the remark she thought this was a "christian" hostel. She then explained how every religion had failed her starting with Judaism and now Christianity had failed her now to. The woman said she was going to try Buddhism next in hopes that they were better people. I felt so sad for this woman and her child. Blaine her child must have been one maybe one and a half years old. It felt like the child had no future with this broken woman who kept moving from place to place.

But amidst stories like this I've found so much hope but I'll write about that next
time.

PS: If you don't mind I'm going to use this part for my blog as well.

Best wishes,

Jeff

The problem is this, I have nary a clue what to put in them to be honest. How in the world am I supposed to cram a week or three of information into this small space on the internet? Anyway I've decided to plug along even with this seemingly daunting task in front of me. Today was my appointment at the IND(immigration office) for my one year work visa. The directions seemed simple enough but somehow I ended up walking in circles and ten minutes late to a meeting that decided if I get to stay in the Netherlands or not. But by God's good Grace the meeting went smoothly without a hitch. When I arrived at the house I discovered I was late for MTP class. We had a visit from the Scarlet Cord today for the lesson. The Scarlet Cord is an organization that shares the Shelter City hostel building. They are a christian group funded by the government to help prostitutes that want to escape from the business. For over two hours the Scarlet Cord representative explained the realities of human trafficking in the Red Light and also the rest of modern Europe. Thousands of women are exploited and sold as commodities to the highest bidder. These men usually prey on women with insecurities allowing them to be abused and thrown away after they outlive their usefulness. Many of the representatives stories reminded me so strongly of a friend of mine. My head started swimming with past events and it made me question my actions making me wonder if I could have done things differently.

Precious girl please explain to me what you see in him
It seems like such a one way street
He destroys, You rebuild
He takes till you stand with empty hands
Like a rose trying to bloom thats being choked by a self chosen vine
I remember the words you spoke that night
would it have helped If I had yelled, balled my fists, made the choice you didn't dare to make
Past is past and it slips through my grasping fingers like water pouring from a glass
It makes me wonder if a caged bird saw an open window would it even know how to fly

Not Even The Rain Has Such Small Hands.

September in Amsterdam. For the last week the clouds have unleashed buckets of rain sporadically throughout the days. The only pattern you can really follow with the rain is how it seems to strike at the least convenient times causing pub goers and would be dog walkers to dive for cover. Though the calendar states there is well over 15 days left of summer the morning chill argues otherwise. Fall is on the doorstep and there are already whispers of winter as well. The stores are gearing up and stocking for Sinterklass already and it isn't until December 5th. Time seems so much like the rain sometimes. It seems so vast that it cannot be counted but then all of a sudden it fills things very quickly till it overflows.

I'm about to watch my flight leave without me on the 27th of this month. Booking a separate flight was much cheaper than changing my original flight. At this moment I feel no regret and no worry about the money I'm spending. I guess this would seem pretty stupid to many people but if there is some sort of need to worry there are many more pressing issues in my life than things of monetary value.

(Maybe I'll make this into an actual song someday if I learn guitar, not a fan of how I wrote this but it gets my thoughts across)

I keep runnin around the earth expecting it to be flat
But every step I take is a path that ends right back (at the beginning)
Time goes in circles and people follow where it leads
Chasing after sunlight but I hope to say that isn't me
I'm gripped by the sentimental power of memory
The ever darkening of the past
Where the edges begin to soften
is where tomorrow doesn't seem so bad
It's hard to catch the sky when you only have two hands
It's tough to calm the ocean when you're just learning how to swim
How do you gain perspective when the world agrees that their right hand is their left?
Everyone's hoarding for the future and selling off their past
It's finding "ice in the desert"
An ember beneath the waves
Holding a pearl and a seed and calling each the same
Life is full of kings and queens with tin crowns upon their heads
But I'd much rather play the fool in this play instead

Apologies for such a late update I sit here typing this on my nightman shift. It's only 1:24 am right now but it's already dead. The busy season has come and gone. Our hostel is no longer overflowing with tourists. Time is slower now and it allows for reflection. For the last week or so I've taken more than a few walks by myself to get a better feel for my new home and just to clear my head and chat with God. I honestly can barely recall what has happened in the last week except that I've learned that the only reason for me waking up in the morning is by the strength that God gives me. Though the friends around me help in the end we all stumble and fall. But there is such beauty in our imperfection for it allows the glory of God to be seen through us. When God moves us to do things people see that it is not by our wills alone we do them. For we are all selfish. I know I'm rambling and this wasn't the greatest update but I leave you with a verse that I have just started to understand recently.

James 1:2-3
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

A Great Architect, A Grand Design.

My prayer for the this entire trip was to be challenged, to be pushed to seek God deeper and to learn why I do the things I do. I've discovered that when you ask your Father for something you are answered in spades. A few nights ago I was challenged to question who I was and if I found identity in my image or in being a child of God. This question struck me deeply for it was something that I had not put much thought into for quite a few years. So my mind raced back and forth for hours testing the depths of my actions from my stretched ears to my tattoos wondering why I did such things. Did these things define who I am? If so than there was a problem. I was supposed to be a child of God before all things. If these physical things were an obstacle to that than there was no doubt in my mind what I had to do.

Self-expression can be perverted and used for selfish gain which sides your actions with the rest of the world, which follows Satan. Am I one of those individuals that uses my body to glorify myself so I get special attention? I found my answer difficult. When I was younger I would have to say definitely yes. What I did to my body set me apart from the rest of society which made me feel superior in some ways. But today I can so no. I tire of individuals rude responses to my appearance.

But does this mean I should get rid of these things? To stop in my pursuit of tattoos as well? After more talk with others and prayer I came to the conclusion that I should not. Over and over in my life I have felt the weight of conviction on me. More than a few of those times have been while I have lived at the Shelter. I felt the same conviction 2 years ago when I decided to stop stretching my ears and close them up. Why then did I decide to restretch my ears? Because I felt compelled. I realized I didn't care about what people thought about them but that I missed them for some odd reason.

Tattoos and piercings do not define me I've realized. They are only forms of expression that help better explain who I am. First and foremost I am a child of God I have died and become reborn in Christ. I strive every day to cast away my sinful ways and become a better example of Christ's love. God has made me who I am. I man who finds his expression through words and body. I finally fully accept the person that the Lord has molded me to be.

When in Rome

So our Jesus loving manager Jahn decided to take about 14 of us out on his boat to a bridge on the other side of town which we illegally jump off of every few weeks. But the story of this blog doesn't revolve around the destination but the journey itself. You see, Jahn forgot to take into account that it was Gay Pride week and the Gay Pride Parade was being held in the canals. So unbeknown to our fearless captain we were going to sail straight into the oncoming parade. When we arrived it was all scantily clad men and bass heavy techno on boats. Our manager furiously tried to find an exit but the police stopped the boat in its tracks and told Jahn that the only way to get through the canals was to follow the parade. So in the middle of the parade there we were; a boat of fully clothed christian individuals staring in slight bewilderment at the chaos of thongs and mascara that greeted our eyes. Thousands of people lined the canals dancing and shouting as loud techno music boomed from the speakers of the passing parade boats. Due to the fact that most of us were unsmiling and all of us were fully clothed we were the ultimate buzz kill. Immediately when our boat came into view people stopped smiling. A few more eager individuals tried to keep dancing hoping that we would be encouraged to do the same. And a handful of unhappy party goers decided to boo us. We were definitely the prize winning boat of the parade.

(Notice the great mixture of panic, hesitation, and courage that is painted on the face of Jahn.)



("oh man i think i just saw a scrotum" quote taken from Matt who had just awoke from being sick and his reaction upon seeing the festivities around him)

Reverse Polarity

Out with the old and in with the new and slightly overwhelmed. Most of the old staff is going home to America and in their place is a staff made up of entirely non-Americans except for the few stragglers such as myself. I honestly welcome this opportunity with open arms. Even though I will miss all the old staff a lot ultimately I had signed up for an international experience and not just the U.S. transplanted to the center of Amsterdam.

Last night was open mic night at the Shelter. Our resident Irishman Jon the former cleaner set up the event and it went without a hitch. I can honestly say that it was one of those special memories that will never leave me as cheesy as that sounds. Guests and staff members all took turns playing music and there was this overwhelming sense of joy throughout the whole night. At the end of the night I was dragged up and made to do a spoken word piece. I didn't have anything planned but it went surprisingly well for being impromptu.

This place grows on me more and more each day. New challenges are set in front of me by God and I welcome them. I'm learning to trust Him more and more with my future even if the outcome seems like foolishness to an outsider.

Furthermore I love all of you back home and I miss you guys.

Moving and Rumors of Moving

So it seems the fabled house is going coming to an end. It saddens me to hear such talk but I guess the rumors are factual. The house was much more than living arrangements for seven individuals it was a place where almost anyone was welcome. It also puts most of us back at square one with our only option being to move back home with our parents. A humbling idea for most.

In other news the future seems so wide open. Which is scary and also exhilarating to think that the Lord has a plan for me. It's funny. Every time I decide to make any sort of plan in my life God seems to come along and shake me upside down, spin me around, and then send me on a completely different path then what my mind had ever imagined. If you had asked me two years ago where I was going to be in the near future it definitely would not have been Amsterdam. The Lord doesn't follow the rules of mankind or the guidelines of what man deems important and what it deems foolish. Like 1 Corinthians 1:27 says, "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."

Pave Paradise

I'm really not in the mood for writing as of now but if I don't update while I have the time then I never will. Besides I feel I have an obligation to at least give a little insight on what I'm doing over here.

I've almost been here a month now and I still don't feel like I'm properly absorbed into the house. I've made plenty of friends right off the bat but there's something to say about time and how it ties people together. The housemates I've connected to are all leaving at the end of this month. That's just how the house works. Summer is a time for internships and one month visits. Not the most stable atmosphere but that doesn't make the friendships made any less real or memorable. But it does give me a yearning for stability to grow spiritually and as friends with people that are staying for over a month. I feel this slight fear and excitement for what the Lord has in store for me. I feel this yearning for something but I'm not sure for what.

It feels like 3 months won't be enough time.

First and foremost I have to extend a formal apology to anyone that has been reading my blog. It seems my promise of consistent updates has fallen by the wayside as of late. So much has been going on, the Shelter is brimming with excitement and activity and I have finally found a rhythm in the constant chaos. As I type this at reception I can hear the pounding of rain outside. It's been frequently raining almost every morning for the last week or so only to be chased off the streets by the heat of the midday sun.

Amsterdam is a city of contradictions. The screaming pace of bikes is paralleled by men and women in front of cafes nursing their coffee for half the day. The Christian hostel where I work is only 20 meters away from a prostitutes window and a stones throw from the Red Light District. This city of rich architecture dating back to the 1700s is possibly the most progressive liberal city in the world.

Faith is strong here at the Shelter and the joy of Christ is infectious. There's so many stories and so much to tell. I promise to update within a week.

Motion. That's the word the can sum up Amsterdam. The traffic is constant and the bikes carrying their riders are always in a perpetual state of danger with near misses every few minutes. The roads are not inhabited by the meek.

I fell in love with the bike culture the minute I was able to hop onto my old beat up Gazelle and start learning first hand the dangers of trekking from point A to point B. The last five days have been a blur of learning and laughter with the meeting of new friends and the basic understandings of how to use a griddle.

After getting constantly lost on the way to the city hostel for the first few days I have now successfully managed to traverse the various canals to the city without trouble.

I hope all is well in the states. I miss everyone.

Goede dag!

My arrival to Amsterdam was bumpy to say the least. After arriving to the airport was uneventful and I discovered a new friend named Ruben who was from the Netherlands but had arrived home from an internship in the UK. He graciously gave me his contact information and said I could call him whenever I needed help. After we said our goodbyes things quickly went downhill. After trying for 20 minutes to find a train ticket I finally boarded the train which I realized after the fact that I was on the wrong track. I was soon rescued by a kind Dutchman and his wife who went as far as to call a friend to find how I could get to Amsterdam Central Station. After switching trains and hopping on the metro I arrived at the station 20 minutes late. I was greeted by a less than happy Shelter worker who I profusely apologized to.

After a 20 minute trek with my massive trunk and 2 bags we arrived at the Shelter.
(more coming very soon)

It Seems Those With Sports Cars Have To Show Off Even In Death

Today I realized that I do not want my body to be buried in a casket or have a traditional funeral. The expense is too great and too much time and effort is taken into coordinating such affairs. Perhaps I'll go the route my father has proposed for his own body when he dies. Donate the husk to science so the lives of others may benefit from a vessel that is now unused.
My great aunt's funeral was today which answers the question of what prompted this train of thought. Aunt Lois lived to the age of 94. Towards the end of her life she was very tired and had lost most of her sight. Finally being able to rest seems to be a fitting reward.
Aunt Lois was buried in the Farmington cemetery next to the rest of the Brashier and Stuckel family members that had moved on. The odd thing about the funeral home and the cemetery was the fact that a school resides next each one. The old Farmington jr. high is across the street from the funeral home while the old middle school is only separated by a fence from the hundreds of men and women that call their plots home.

Funny how we played at recess so close to death every day of our lives.

Road bikes, wrestling, and couches.

Here I am sitting on the edge of the bathtub trying furiously to find the area that has the strongest signal to my neighbors flickering wi-fi connection. Most wireless signals reach about a hundred feet and this is stretching that threshold to its limits. I can finally say I am a proud owner of a road bike thanks to the generous help of Scott who sold it to me for twenty dollars. It needs a little work but it runs near perfect and for its age it looks immaculate. All I needed to do was put in a little time cleaning the rust off the chrome and it shined like new. While at Caleb's house the other night I had the privilege to witness a couch burning (see photo below).
No other words are needed to explain this one.
Oh also go buy "The Wrestler." One of the most real performances I've ever witnessed by any actor. Mickey Rourke makes you feel like his character, Randy "The Ram" Robinson really is a man that has spent his whole life trying to entertain and please the crowd and has allowed everything else in his life to fall apart around his ears. This movie made me think about relationships in my own life but that's for another time. I mean isn't that what any good film is supposed to make you do?

Where Our Roots Lead

Movement seems to be the theme of my life right now. In the past few weeks I've said goodbye to a good friend, went to Chicago twice, and moved back home to my parents house. My brother now resides in my old room and I know live in the library room and sleep on the floor (see top picture). I had forgotten how mixed my feelings were about this town. I despise this place in a way that only a person that has lived here can. But in the same token I have always felt a gravitational pull towards this place and felt an appreciation for the beauty that comes with the freedom of living in a small town. Though I miss living with the guys in Peoria I love the quiet that my parents house allows. I can think and be still. My thoughts feel more collected and coherent when I'm here. When I'm alone in this house is when I feel the Lord. I feel like in Peoria I had neglected Him. I feel at peace.

We

all stumble through existence sideways I think.

A Year Passes In A Glance, A Moment Lasts A Lifetime

I AM ANGRY. My patience seems to grow shorter in each passing day. My time here seems only a countdown till I leave for Amsterdam. I feel like while trying to find a firmer hold on my faith I'm sliding backwards in my attempts. I feel conviction pushing me to change yet I refuse to budge. I AM SELFISH. My attempts at furthering my education has only yielded mediocre grades and apathy. The things that society has deemed important are the furthest from my mind. I find myself looking down on people I see in public; comparing them to myself and finding self-satisfaction when they don't stack up to my standards. I AM DISGUSTED AT THE PERSON I AM BECOMING. I can't believe that it has been 2 months since my last post. It feels like a year at least. My perception of time has always been skewed. I've always measured time by the events that have transpired.
I am in need of prayer.

In this life the one eyed lead the blind

But the best sighted amongst us can only see as far as their own face

For they cry out this is the dawning of a new era, while the others scream this is truly the end of days

Neither ones words ring false for the ones glass and metal spires never touch the burning ash and hollow husks of the others reality and

the malls are built to echo till the bustling voices in its expanses become one sound of greed and compliance

their walkways act as shoots for the cattle that are distracted by the fluorescent signs that feature half dressed men and women that act as blinders for the slaughterhouses true intentions

We were not meant to be

tied by these fetters

strapped to a machine that

filters our own ambitions

and synthesizes it back to us

in a form it deems acceptable

I've learned never to feel contentment

and it's so hard to be trusting

When we were taught as children to pick up ledgers and spades

to cast stones the size of boulders

and sharpen our teeth to points

Our actions only accumulate to a mark the size of a pin and our earnings have been slave to a thousand before

“tis something, nothing”

Life is not a footrace, nor some mountain to be climbed

Life is an ocean and I come with only a glass

Grace is spelled with Patience

For the last month I've felt restless and unfulfilled with myself. I have been yearning to grow in the Lord and I've felt that I have stunted myself for too long allowing day to day life to overwhelm me. But in the last few weeks He's given me clarity and understanding of what I should do. I've realized it's all a matter of where my heart is and doing things for the right reasons. For doing the seemingly right actions for selfish reasons is foolish. This has all led up to me coming to the understanding that God is showing me that time away this summer will be for the best.

In other news I get to see Have Heart on the 25th of this month with Harold Figg. I am ecstatic with anticipation.

Migration Season

I'm in my room listening to the sounds of Mr. Bill Cosby coming out of Ryan's Macbook. I miss clean comedians sometimes, original personalities that find witty ways to fill that hour or two of space without resorting to underhanded tactics or distasteful commentary. I also miss the days when Bill Cosby had his wits about him, he was a coherent and funny man and his humor is missed dearly.

There's a flock of birds on the horizon and they to beckon you to take to the sky

But your wings are clipped, they never did unfold

All you see are glass ceilings and fit your dreams into them

And the only sound that rings in your ears our your past mistakes

What is real and what they say are starting to look the same

You my dear are too young have to live for someone else

But theres a voice in your ear thats not your own

Every time you step out the door it calls you back home

Telling you to listen to its words for that's how your identity is formed

It promises you nothing but takes all you own

And I've realized that this voice is much stronger than my own

I cannot be heard when I feel blood well up in my throat

From the constant shouting, but youre beyond reproach

You've made your choice, clipped you're own wings

Instead of flying southward you hop from branch to branch

Only feeling winters sting and not the summer suns embrace

You've never known any other way


Well I was compelled to write for the last few minutes in the middle of the Bill Cosby blog lol, this is what I have, I guess things have been on my mind lately.

A Brief Question

What if the sum of all our talents and insights were not meant for a certain career path. What if the reason for the gifts that you have is for one defining moment, a golden opportunity that God has set in your life that will define not only you but perhaps touch the lives of those around you. I think it's a beautiful concept.

All I Have To Eat Is Ramen

After dragging my feet for well over 2 weeks I finally moved the rest of my personal effects to the new house from our old apartment. It only took 2 trips thanks to my dad and the help of our neighbor's truck. It was nice to be able to ride along with my father and talk like we used to. Riding with my dad brought back familiar feelings of security that I felt when I was young. The confident feeling of safety that I once took for granted while my father was driving us towards our destination. It made me realize that moving back in with my parents at the end of summer excites me. It is an amazing opportunity for me to reconnect with my family.

On another exciting note I met my new neighbors today. I'm from a small town where the neighbors we had were like family. Christmas cards were exchanged and countless pies, cookies, and pastries were given to one another over the years. I felt an obligation to at least introduce myself on behalf of our house. This was prompted in no small part to the fact that I was locked out of the house. After introducing myself I soon realized that the former tenants of the house we now inhabited left for Las Vegas without even a parting adieu. So for the last few weeks our much older neighbors had nary a clue why 5 loud and nocturnal college students had suddenly burst into their neighborhood like gangbusters and set up shop. After our brief introductions I feel I put our neighbors minds at ease, well they now know at least that we aren't drug dealers with the intent on laying waste to the neighborhood with our nefarious schenanigans.

I have these parting words of advice from Dr. Sidney Freedman of M*A*S*H,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice."

Flex Space

For the most part it seems a fruitless effort to learn the names of the people I work with. Employees come and go for the most part. The more intelligent individuals usually leave within a few months, having the foresight to know that their job of current employment is a sinkhole with no reward. I have been employed at Burlington Coat Factory for almost two years now and I have realized that there are two types of employees at this retail store. There are those that have only to swipe their card once when clocking out and then there are those that have to swipe multiple times in order to escape from that days shift. The multiple swipers of course are those that have been employed for a long time and have rubbed off the barcodes on the backs of their time cards to the point that the individual lines are barely readable.

Last month I became a double swiper if you will. I reached out to the time clock as usual to punch out when i realized that my swipe didn't register. I tried again. Still nothing happened. I swiped once more and the time clock took pity upon my soul and allowed me to leave. My heart sank. I realized that I had become one of those semi-permanent fixtures of Burlington Coat Factory. I will be forced to swipe my card over and over again to be free of this place. The day will come when my card will become too worn to swipe and I will be trapped with the fate of forlornly swiping my card over and over again for eternity. Even the break room in which I find refuge in for 15 minutes at a time will be closed to me without the permission of the holy time clock.

Picture of said break room

I need a change of pace.

So This Is The First